Post Cards from the AntiHoneymoon
by lm25pc
Summary: Season 4, Mer & Cris return from the antihoneymoon... Mer Centric
1. Postcard 1

Postcard 1 

So, I guess this constitutes "always leaving you" huh?

Hoping that our postal system, the fact that I'm mailing this from Seatac, and that I know you have tomorrow off, means you'll get this before the gossip does.

Anyway, I'm going with Cris on her honeymoon, or ex-honeymoon, or maybe anti-honeymoon, yeah that will do. I'm going for two weeks, leaving, again, apparently.

So despite all the crap between us at the moment, I don't mean to keep hurting you, so I am letting you know I'm off, for a while.

My phone is off, in the tradition of all good honeymoons ex/anti or whatever our destination is undivulged, so uncontactable I am.

Meredith

Oh, the "so over" comment, if you're wondering, yeah, well, yeah, so am I…


	2. Postcard 2

Postcard 2 

Seriously? Seriously?

"I met a girl, the highlight of my week" to "you're the love of my life" in under 4 hours.. are you freaking kidding me?

Sorry for my almost drowning, fake mummy dying, sperm-donor slapping and telling me I'm not wanted, failing my intern exam making you miserable.

And people think I think everything is about me – well it seems like I learnt from the master.

F U Derek

Oh yeah, you know the confusion about "so over" there is NO confusion… WE are OVER


	3. Postcard 3

Postcard 3 

It's the umbrella's fault. You know the little itsy cutesy pretty coloured paper ones they stick in your pretty frothy colourful drinks. They make it all seem so harmless, all that pink, and green and flowers, and swizzle sticks. What is with them? Is there a verb swizzle? What is that added extra to a stir that makes it swizzle worthy?

So yeah it's all that girly prettiness, it's deceptive. That's the good thing about tequila, there is no deception, you know how drunk you are going to get.

So yeah, drunk, and ranting, at you, on a postcard. So a little sorry about that. Not a lot sorry, cause, you know, maybe I needed to say some of that. But kinda sorry that it was so, well, blunt. And in a forum where you have no right of reply.

Was tempted to call to say sorry, like before you got the card, damage control and all, but Cris has hid my sim card.. so hope this apology suffices, even if it's a day late to you.

So yeah, it's the umbrella's fault. I had all intentions of not drinking down hear, you know to help with the thinking and sorting I was planning on doing. None of that today unfortunately, too much banging inside my head.

So

Sorry

Meredith

PS – if you even care, that was only drunk Meredith who decided on the true meaning of "so over", hungover Meredith is putting analysis of it on hold


	4. Postcard 4

Postcard 4

I'll give it to Burke, he picks a great holiday destination.

It's gorgeous here, warm, sunny, glorious beaches. Days spent by the pool, sleeping, reading, bitching about men (sorry).

The only dampner is my holiday companion, don't get me wrong I love her, she's my person and all. But Cris and a relaxing beach holiday? Oil and water. So sure Burke picked a beautiful spot, but I suppose it goes to show how much he didn't understand her.

Anyway, this was supposed to be the chatty, friendly holiday postcard.. not sure I've achieved that.

So yeah, having a great time, wish you here and all that

Meredith

PS – still thinking, but in case you still care, there is no thinking about how I feel about you, that has never really changed. I just am not sure if being the loves of each others lives is enough, are we (me) just too messed up to work?


	5. Postcard 5

Postcard 5

Seriously!!

Lexie "apple of my fathers eye" Grey an intern at MY hospital

Seriously !!!

Lexie "highlight of my week" Grey flirting with MY boyfriend

Seriously!!!!

How much crap can my life continue to have heaped on it.

Tear up the last postcard, obviously I was delusional, hope you and my little-half-sister are having a good laugh at it together.


	6. Postcard 6

Postcard 6 

Perspective

Luckily it's easier to get while I lay on a beach with the sound of waves lapping, than it is with my Seattle life coming at my from all corners.

So after my tantrum, we took turns Mc-naming her (McSlut, McEvilhalfsister, McBarwhore for a choice few options). Cris filled me in on more details George gave her..

So it was just a flirt at a bar right? And embarrassment and awkwardness all round now, right?

Whatever. Once Cris told me about the additional news that Burke is gone-gone and not coming back. Well, yeah, perspective, it helped me get some.

I guess my flirty half-sister trying to pick up the love-of-my-life declaring boyfriend, given that neither knew who the other was, and given (so George says Lexie says) you turned her down, pales in comparison to fiancé-leaving me at the church-and then moving out of town…

So yeah perspective

Meredith

PS – we settled on McFlirty…. This is from the new Meredith who is trying to be a people person. You don't want to know Cris's preference, for Lexie….. or you


	7. Postcard 7

Postcard 7

Hi

Did you know that you can make 4 Pina Colada's from the milk of one coconut.

Did you also know that George failed his Intern exam? Cris finally divulged this piece of info after she got sick of bagging McFliry & McGone.

Wow imagine retaking your whole intern year again.. and in true Meredith-centric style (they say don't they that being aware of your weaknesses is the first step) I can't keep thinking of how much even crappier my life could be. If George and Dr Webber hadn't stepped in and intervened, well that could be me.

Lucky for friends I guess then? And I know you're pissed that I didn't turn to you either when Thatcher turned up and reemed me in front of everyone, or when I then froze on the exam. I know you see that as Meredith shutting you out again. But after you told me you couldn't "breathe" for me, I just figured I needed to keep you out of as much of my crap as I could, I didn't want you to get scared off even more. But I am not sure whether that is what you meant by couldn't breathe for me. What did you mean? Maybe I should have asked..

So sorry I didn't turn to you and that you felt I was shutting you out. I'm hugely grateful for my friends who intervened though; luckily they didn't need a gilt edged invitation.

Meredith


	8. Postcard 8

Postcard 8 

I love Cris, I do, I mean she is my person and all. But I don't think "good holiday companion" would come under the definition of person, if we were to write one.

You know how a few postcards back I said Cris & relaxing beach holiday oil and water. Well now it's like someone took a match to the oil. The woman cannot relax! She has taken to hanging around outside the first aid room here at the resort, in the hope that something that requires a scalpel comes up.

Funnily enough, despite all my intimacy, pushing you away issues, you are the person I can most imagine enjoying being here with. And not just in the "porny – what a waste of a kingsize fourposter-outside Jacuzzi-private terrace overlooking the beach" kind of way. Also in the "lazy silences-happy to do nothing-or go exploring-not whinge every five seconds about not cutting" kind of way.

So if we ever make it past the reverberations of the still ambigous "so over". Can we put a lazy beachy holiday on our to-do list.

Meredith

PS – I know a whole postcard with no jibe at you.. my head and my heart seem to be in synch with each other, the tug of war has abated for the time being

**AN – lol this is NOT the planned postcard 8… I had them all sketched out & the ending, but postcard 8 refused to be written Mer in my head was all dreamy & couldn't pull out the angst (I blame nemodat, her Mer & Der have me all mushy).. so now I have to replan the postctards a little… for someone who asked there are 14 cards (the episode description says they are gone 2 weeks) & a few other chapters…**


	9. Postcard 9

Postcard 9

Like the cheesy 70's fold out picture panorama card? Thought it might be your kinda style (wink).

So today I finally convinced Cris to do something other than sleep, bitch, drink or hang out at the first aid room. We went on a great trip on a sailing boat.. visited some funky little islands. Was very romantic lots of couple, which was a great mood set for us two, not. Anyway at one point the boat anchored and if you wanted to you could swim to a gorgeous beach. Cris stayed put on the boat I went. At this point I could wax lyrical about the turquoise waters, the white squeaky sand or the picturesque coral.

But.. the punch line to this story was delivered when I got back to the boat, to a fuming, silent Cris. She gave me the cold shoulder until we got back to our rooms (well Burke's room, but you know what I mean). Then I got the full force wrath of Cris lecture on "Oh My GOD Meredith you can swim, you are a GOOD Swimmer".

Unlike you and your crappy confusing breathing metaphor, she used the S word (you know suicide). Harder to avoid than "I can't breathe for you" harder to ignore.

So to set the record straight. I did not try to kill myself. I did swim, at first, but I made a stupid fucking split second "poor me" mistake. And I will pay forever for that mistake, not physically, I was freakingly lucky there. But will you ever trust me? Will you (or Cris at the moment) every get over it & stop looking at me like I have two heads?

So I am facing up. I'm not pretending anymore that the fact that "you can't breathe for me" is about you dealing with my crappy life. I get that it's about the fact I gave up, and you know. I can't friggen believe that the two people I truly care about both know about a stupid moments hesitation and it has the potential to taint my relationships with them forever.

So I am sorry I hurt you.

I never meant to kill myself.

But when that moment of angst bit me in the butt, I fought like crazy and I came back for you, and for Cris.

So yes I can swim, and well. I was knocked into the bay and I did swim. But I was tired and cold & life kept crapping on me, and I paused, in a stupid stupid place. And I am sorry, more sorry than you may ever realise.

And yes I do love you, and you are the love of my life.

But are we ever going to be able to get over the wife, the choosing, the not swimming, the daddy issues, the intimacy issues? Basically is love enough to find the trust through all that crap?

I have no idea.

Meredith

PS – So by now I guess you figured the cheesy fold out postcard was a ruse for a long winded Meredith rant..


	10. Postcard 10

Postcard 10 

So do you like the bikini babe on the front? Thought I'd give you some light eye candy to makeup for the deep & meaningful last postcard.

Loooot's of eye candy here, most of it is attached to the arm of possessive girlfriend-wife-mistressy types. Two single girls alone at what is ostensibly a romantic vacation destination means we aren't exactly flavour du jour. Cris doesn't make that any better as she has decided to attempt the "Meredith-Grey-proven-to-be-hugely-flawed-get-over-a-man-tactic" of too much alcohol, and inappropriate men…. Luckily the extent of damage she can wreck is limited by the fact that there are approximately two available, hetro guys here… Lucky I'm not in the market looking huh?

Anyway, just another day in paradise.

Meredith

PS - Miss You, Love You (figure that now I've put it out there, in writing a few times, there is no point retracting or denying it)


	11. Postcard 11

Postcard 11 

Woo hoo, new influx of luxury resort holiday makers, and to save us from the mind numbing and parade of honeymooners.. we now have the phenomenon known as the "family vacation". Great.

At least it's given Cris something new to whinge about, the blandness of pod people, the toxicity of children, the desolation of families.

Apart from you, you know who else I miss? Susan. Crazy I know, I mean I barely knew her, but for the first time in ever, I kind of started to think family might be a good thing, you know? I mean I've always hoped one day to create my own family (are you now looking as shocked at that statement as Cris did.. do I really come off the dysfunctional?), but I didn't expect to ever find a place in an existing one..

Anyway, wayyyy too much introspection for another sunny day in paradise. Off to top off the tan, and work on that swimming and breathing.

Love

Meredith

PS - Given that I am currently coming down on the side of 'so over' being solely about Cris & McGone's doomed wedding, as long as I haven't sent you running back to New York already, maybe one day soonish I could (big breath Meredith) gowithyoutomeetyourfamily??


	12. Postcard 12

Postcard 12 

Poor Cris, this anti-honeymoon is biting her in the butt. Turns out the pod family had arrived at the resort for a big wedding. Yep for a few cool tens of thousands, you can have your very own tropical wedding.

Needless to say we decided to take a day trip. This place is seriously beautiful, I mean the resort is nice and all, but once you get outside into the real world, it's not as polished, but it's just stunning, and real, if you know what I mean. You'd love it here. I think. Not that I'd know. The trailer is the furthest we've ever gotten together away from the hospital.

So apparently Cris lumps me in with her as part of the anti-wedding, anti-marriage brigade. And I guess maybe I should be, I mean most of the evidence (Cris, you, my parents, the chief, well nearly everyone) points to it being a doomed experience. But I guess life hasn't completely killed off the fairytale dreamer in me. Probably crazy I know, but it's like I can see the fairytale castle (complete with McDreamy prince) in the distance, I just cant seem find the right path there, and finding my way keeps getting interrupted by undisclosed wives, evil-fathers, controlling-mothers and flirty-step-sisters.

Yours from a crazy flight of fantasy

Meredith

PS – I do remember you asking me if I wanted to get married, **that** day at the docks. I know I dismissed it. The thing is, I don't want to discuss it, I don't want to negotiate it, I don't want it as a fix to a problem. So much about our relationship has been messy or awkward. If we ever get to the right place, I want that step to be right and natural and god forbid romantic. Damn it I want at least part of the fairytale!!

AN – Thank you so much for all the feedback… I really appreciate it, I didn't expect it given how short all the chapters are. For those who ask about seeing Derek's replies. Well all I can say is this whole "story" is planned out & there are some bits after the last postcard… so please keep reading. 


	13. Postcard 13

Postcard 13 

Our penultimate day in paradise.

Even though coming her may have made you angry, and I am sorry for that, I am glad I did.

The time to think and decide, especially without extra crap piling up (with the exception of the McFlirty news) has been great. And just the sleep. I hadn't realised what a toll this year had taken on my body and mind. Being an intern is hard enough work as it is, but with the year I'd had, well, lets say two weeks of r&r has worked some magic.

Not declaring myself bright and shiny. I think I learnt that lesson. But I am relaxed, and peaceful, and well… balanced.

So, to the crux, "so over".. not about us (hopefully).. I am in, completely and utterly, you are the love of my life, and I can't leave you either. I have don't have all the answers on how to make this work, but I have a better idea about some of the things I need to do than I did a few weeks ago. We both need to work on this, and compromise a little, but I think the end game is worth it.

I know you want commitment from me and probably proof we are really moving forward, so, well, I was thinking. I mean your nearly 40, not that that's a bad thing, but an attending and all. And well, casa interna, not a lot of privacy, I mean I love my friends, but well, you know, us, a couple, come first, in some things, like people not barging into our bedroom.. Rambling, I know.. so anyway. A suggestion, maybe we should go apartment hunting. Together. Something close to the hospital? Maybe, anyway, lets discuss, when I am back, in a few days.

I miss you, can't wait to see you

Love

Meredith

PS –. I know this has been onesided, and while I am trying to remain hopeful and positive that you will still be in this too, a little sign when I get back, that you know.. you're in too. Well that would be nice. Doesn't need to be your yellow ribbon type cliché, but yeah, a sign, either way, in or out, would be good.


	14. Postcard 14

Postcard 14 

Flight AMC 978 arriving at Seattle Monday night 9:30pm

My shift the next day doesn't start until noon, and I'm on until 10pm

Just saying. In case you were wondering. No pressure or anything.

Love

You

Meredith

AN – So that's the last postcard.. Meredith is close to begging (again).. how will Derek respond? Well, I am going away until Monday. And while the next few parts our sketched out, they need some refining. So like Meredith, in transit, you may just have to sit back & wait… 


	15. Homecoming

Homecoming 

Meredith tossed her sunkissed blonde hair over her shoulder, it bounced and settled lightlight on her honey tanned shoulders. She paused, scanned the crowd. The sea of moving people seemed to part, through the gap blue eyes locked onto green. A smile broke out on both their faces. Her step jaunty and light, his quick and confident, they moved towards each other. The crowd seem to part before them, allowing them to easily glide into each others arms. Their eyes bore into each other's there heads inclined towards passion and..

"Urggh, Mer Sit up" Meredith woke with a jolt, a thin and bony elbow jabbing into her side. "Drool, seriously?" Cris exclaimed. "I did the friend thing, I put up with the leaning & the head on the shoulder, but I won't do drool"

"Sorry" Meredith mumbled, shifting upright in her seat, wiping the back of her mouth on her sleeve. She turned to look out the window, trying to adjust back to reality from her world of cheesiness.

"So good McDream?" Cris asked, flicking through her magazine.

"What?" Meredith blurted out as she still struggled to gain a sense of awakeness.

"The smile, the sighs, the drrol. Ick, I assume it was a McDreamy McDream?" Cris looked up at her friend, one eyebrow raised mockingly.

"Ugggh" Meredith shrugged and returned to gaze out the window. She so did not want to be having this conversation right now. Unfortunately the fact that her only scenery was the dull blackness of night, meant there no distractions at hand. She turned back to her fiend.

"Am I crazy" she asked

"For the postcards in general, asking for a McSign, or the unsubtle GPS declaration of where you will be every hour from when we land?" Cris queried sardonically.

"Umm, 'D'" Meredith replied

"D?"

"Yeah, you know 'D', all of the above" Meredith shrugged again.

"You're asking the eyebrow stubbled, altar jilted, surgical withdrawal chick if she thinks you are crazy for chasing the McDream with Derek?" Cris asked, flicking her magazine back into the seat holder.

"Um, yeah"

"So, is this a passing time in the plan conversation, or should we go there, should we have a real friends, advice type conversation?" Cris figured she was a captive audience, she had run out of reading material, there were no random Mile High candidates nearby (she had checked). She had avoided these type of conversations with Meredith all holidays. Sure they had skirted around the issue. They had had a couple of drunken diatribes on stupid men and their stupid penises. Ok, yes, she had realised about the postcards, and even glibly commented on them. But a discussion, a real honest, this is what I think discussion. No. Not til now. And it wasn't her forte. But Meredith had come on her anti-honeymoon with her, she had been there for her. She had sat at bars (soberly mostly) and let Cris do what she needed to do. Sure she had moped about McDreamy a bit, but she hadn't turned the trip into about Mererdith, she hadn't subjected Cris to hours of woeful whining and tales. So yeah Cris figure she could do the supportive friend conversation now.

Meredith looked at Cris like a deer caught in the headlights. It had been hard opening up to Derek via the cards, but in some ways it had been easy as it was all one sided, all her own desires. She knew Cris, her take on it was likely to be less than flattering, did she really want a downer on it yet, a reality check. She blew out a big breath and looked at Cris "Sure, hit me with advice".

"So you wanna know if you, Meredith 'Dark'N'Twisty' Grey can have it all?" Cris queried.

Meredith cringed at the dumb term they had used to coin her, but yes she wanted to hear the brutal truth "sure"

"Can you have a surgical career? A healthy romantic relationship? and, apparently potentially children?" Cris summorised the issue at hand, adding "with McDreamy?".

Meredith's eyes grew wider and her natural instinct to deny and avoid nearly kicked in, but she swallowed and nodded at Cris.

"So are you willing and happy to be a good compentent surgeon, but maybe not brilliant or the best in your field?"

Meredith mused the words in her head. Yes she wanted to be a surgeon, yes she wanted to be good, really good, but did she need to be the best, No, "Yes"

Cristina raised an eyebrow, she was as close to Meredith as to any other human being, but that sort of statement proved how different they could be.

"Ok, and it's apparent that you have the smarts and ability to be good without busting your gut" Cris commented offhandedly, she watched Meredith begin to deny "Mer face it, it's in your gene's or your brain, whatever. You've got the goods. Unlike an Izzy or Alex, or god forbid George. If all you need to be is really good, then, sure you'll have to work hard, but no harder than most others do just to get by."

The friends stared at each other, one wanting to jump in with denials, the other challenging her on the truth. In the end Meredith conceded and shrugged, inclining her head at Cris.

"Ok, so career. Tick. Relationship. Biggest hurdle people find, find the right man. You know the love of your life"? Cris smirk, Meredith blushes but a small smile creeps over her face, she nods slightly again.

"Ok, so Mr Right, check. Feeling mutual, check. Same industry, understands pressures, check. Expectations?" here Cris pauses a looks intently at Meredith, some of the pain of her own recent failed relationship shining through, "Do you want the same things out of a relationship?"

Meredith sighs and flops back in her seat and runs her hands through her hair, there as Hamlet once said, is the rub. "I think so. Maybe. No, Yes, we do. I mean, yes we both want, if not the same, then similar things. I think, well that the timing, is bad. Maybe, you know we are coming at it from different starting points and want the same stuff but on different time scales. And then there is the baggage, I mean there was enough crap before we even met each other, then we made our own crap. But crap aside, yes I think we want it all, both of us, we just don't know how to get there together. Hopefully, I mean the point of the postcards, well, it was about, yes I want that too, but I'm scared, and I need him to work with me to get there. But we will, hopefully, you know?" Meredith turned again and looked at Cris expectantly.

Cris stared at Meredith dumbfounded, sure she got her 'person' most of the time, but that ramble was beyond even her. "Okaaaaay" she replied "I think that was a yes?" she asked looking at Meredith, Meredith nodded, "You might want to work on polishing that little speech up before you see him".

Meredith nodded and sighed, she turned to look out at the non-scenery again. Cris stared at her profile. That hadn't really helped had it. Cris leaned back in her chair and tossed her head from side to side slowly while she thought.

Cris sits up and grabbs Meredith's arm turning her to face her. "Look, for what it's worth coming from me. No I don't think you're crazy. You two love each other, I think you both want the same things, of all people I know you two have a decent shot of pulling of a balanced version of 'having it all'. You're both screwed at the moment. But, if you want the fairytale and you're now willing to fight for it, then as your friend I say go for it, you guys be the ones to show us all it's possible".

Meredith stares at Cris for a few moments, then a broad smile breaks out over her face, she lets out a sharp short sigh and says "Ok".

The reality of the baggage collection and clearing customs differs widely from her earlier dream. The noise, the jostling people, the smells. Still within her bubbles excitement and hope. She jiggles from foot to foot impatiently while she waits for their luggage on the carousel.

Cris watches her friend and sighs "Mer, look I know, I'm being supportive on this, but calm down".

"I'm calm, who say's I'm not calm. I'm not waiting for anything, I'm just happy and excited to be home, that's all" Meredith rushes out.

Cris reaches out and places a hand on Meredith's that is busy worrying her watch.

"He may not have gotten the last postcards yet, he might be on shift, he may even still be sulking you took off" at the last point Meredith glares at Cris "not helping" she yelps.

"Look, he is McDreamy, he'll do the McSigns, I'm sure, just be patient, Ok?" Cris asks.

"Yeah" Meredith muses, her body stills a little and she smiles at Cris, "Ok calming down, not that I wasn't calm, but – there they are.." she exclaims and leaps forward dragging their bags from the carousel.

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Like she has seen in so many bad chick flicks, people are running into each others arms, being spun around as they walk through the customs checkpoint. She scans the waiting crowd for a familiar head of black curls, her heart lurches a couple of times, but they turn out to belong to other passengers waiting loved ones.

She stalls their exit from the terminal, pausing to buy a coffee, and fiddling with her luggage.

"Meredith lets go, he isn't here." Cris orders as she stalks towards the cab rank.

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The cab swings an arc of light across the front of the house as it pulls into her driveway. Derek's car isn't there. She sinks a little in her seat.

"So are you going to stay here tonight" she turns to Cris and asks, unsure if her friend wants to return to the flat she shared with her ex.

"Nah, I've shared a room with you for two weeks, I've even let you drool on me, I think my own space would be great right now" Cristina replies, stretching and yawning.

"Are you sure? You are welcome, if you'd rather not, you know" Meredith stumbles over referring to Burke.

"I'm fine, I need to go to my place. Anyway, as much as I wish you luck with McDreamy, I do not need to be around for the reunion, and I so don't need to see the McSigns"

Meredith smiles and blushes. "Ok, I'll see you tomorrow"

"Yeah, and Mer, thanks"

"Thank you too"

"We don't need to hug do we"

"No, I don't think so"

"Good".

Meredith pulls her luggage up the steps to her porch, pausing to see if it's her minds eyes playing tricks on her or if there is a person in those shadows on the swing.

She pushes open the door to the house, she can hear soft noises coming from the loung eroom. And this time, it's not her wishful imagination, there is a figure asleep on the couch. She tiptoes over to the back of the lounge and leans over. Sighing slightly, she reaches over and brushes the hand of the sleeping man. She takes the remote from him and clicks off the TV. "Night Alex" she whispers, as she turns to head upstairs.

At her door she pauses a second and shakes her head as if dismissing foolish thoughts. She enters the room to find it exactly as she left it in her frantic packing. Unlike the three bears she can tell there has been no-one sleeping in her bed.

She flops down on her bed with a sigh, she refuses to give into melancholy. He is probably working, or didn't get the last postcard. It will all be ok, after all tomorrow is another day.

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AN – sorry it was delayed. I have it all plotted out, but I write crap dialogue and I keep changing my POV on the fly. Sigh I don't get my work beta'd and I probably should, so if there are any volunteers.. nudge wink…. Anyway it's nearing the end.. let me know if your coping with my non-postcard writing. 


	16. Locker Room

Meredith stood frowning at the grey door in front of her.

"You have to actually use your hands to open it, the power of the Grey stare doesn't work on inanimate objects" Cristina's sarcasm pulled Meredith out of her reverie

"Hmmmm" she replied turning to look at Cris

"Earth to Meredith. Geez are you out of it… ohh wait, gross, you're all mushy and loved up from the big reunion aren't you?" Cris made a mock gagging sound as she flung her own locker door open. When she threw her bag in and closed her door, she noticed that Meredith's posture had slumped and she was back to staring at the locker door.

Cris sighed, she just wanted to get onto the surgical floor, she toyed with just walking out and leaving Meredith to whatever mini crisis she was currently undergoing, before she could decide, Meredith roused, shook her head and reached out and pulled her locker door open.

A sardonic smile crossed her face and she looked at Cris and said "it's empty, it figures"

"Err yeah, it's empty cause, these are out new lockers"

"But they are assigned"

"Yes Meredith, you too can get your own personal locker" Cris finished tying her hair up, and went to move past Meredith.

"And it's empty, no sign" Meredith looked at Cris with sad puppy dog eyes.

"No sign? Seriously? He didn't show last night or this morning?"

Meredith puffed out a breath of air pushing her messy bangs up into the air "No, no turning up, no messages, no notes, no signs" she said gesturing at the empty locker.

Cris hovered beside Meredith, both of them staring at the empty locker.

"Yay, you're hear, welcome home" the locker room door was flung open as Izzie and Alex joined them.

"Nice tan Grey" Alex drawled. Meredith smiled in response, flung her bag in the locker and slammed it shut. Residents now, she thought, residents do not stand round and obsess over empty lockers.

"Hi guys" she replied, Cris waved a hi, and darted for the door. Izzie and Alex's arrival had saved her from being exposed as a bad friend as she raced to the surgical floor.

Meredth continued to change, Izzie crossed to stand with her back against the lockers near Meredith while Alex perched on the bench beside her.

"How is she?" Izzie asked.

"She's Ok, glad to be back in the hospital I think" Meredith replied.

"Burke's gone" Izzie stood upright with a frown "should I go after her and tell her?"

"It's ok, she knows"

"Oh" Izzy said leaning back against the locker with a sigh.

"Strike one" Alex murmured under his breath

"What?" asked Meredith

"Shut it Karev" Izzie glared

Alex smirked at Izzie, and mock whispered at Meredith "Queen of gossip here, is bursting to fill you in on all the news, she'll be pissed that one got away from her"

"Nasty man" Izzie hissed kicking her foot lightly against Alex's shin

"You slay me" he mocked

"So what other gossip?" Meredith interjected, more to stop the quarrelling than out of curiosity

"Well there are new interns" Izzy started.

"Oh, yeah and one is my sister, I hear" Meredith finished

"Strike two" Alex laughed

Izzy glared at him, and then turned to Meredith "Oh you knew?"

"Yeah Cris spoke to George when we were on holiday"

"Oh, so you know about.." Izzy trailed off looking a little uncomfortable

"About her and Derek, yeah" Meredith breathed sadly as she tied to her shoes

Alex's head shot up "what?"

"McDreamy and Lexy?" Izzy looked puzzled as she cast her mind back "oh yeah, that was funny, she was sooo embarrassed"

"What? " Alex repeated hands on his knees

"You know, apparently Lexy tried to flirt with Derek at Joes, before she started here" Izzy replied

"Oh, I didn't realise he was the Dr she talked about" Alex relaxed his posture

Meredith stared at them frowning, something seemed off here

"Anyway, that's old boring news, especially since she started dating a hot resident" Izzie mocked wiggling her eyebrows at Alex

"Can it Iz, we're not dating"

"Ohh just kissing in on call rooms then?" Izzy retorted

"Wait" Meredith interrupted their niggling again, she stood hands on her hips staring at Alex "you're dating McFlirty?"

"McFlirty?" the other two questioned

"McFlirty, step sister" Meredith stood waving her hands around "Lexy, whatever.. You" she jabbed a finger at Alex "you are dating her?"

"Home run" Izzie squealed, laughing at Alex's dismayed face

Both Alex and Meredith turned to stare at her.

"Well, she said, if the others were strikes, that is a home run, she had no idea" Izzy giggled glad to have finally delivered some news.

Just as Alex started to retort at Izzy, Meredith held her hands up "Wait you two, just wait. Let me get this right, Lexy" she half choked out the name "and Derek, old news, nothing happened?"

"No, we figured you would have known that from him?" Izzie replied

"And" Meredith continued ignoring Izzie "you" she said pointing at Alex "you're kissing, dating, whatever, my half-sister?"

"Ah, yeah, kind of, I didn't think you'd mind, she doesn't want any trouble with you, trust me" Alex answered.

"Mind, mind?" Meredith asked "I could kiss you, I don't mind" she smiled at Alex

"Ok, sure" he replied

"Sure what?" Meredith asked

"You can kiss me, it's not that serious with Lexy and I've always wanted to compare notes on sisters.. OUCH" he exclaimed as two sets of fists hit his arm

The three of them look at each other and burst out laughing.

"It's good to have you back Mer" Izzy says

"It's nice to be back" she smiles at her friends, momentarily pushing the lack of word from Derek to the back of her mind. She'd hoped for the best, but was relieved to hear directly that the highlight of his week with her half sister had been nothing to speak of.

Alex piped up "oh, and the piece of news Iz conveniently left out, George failed his intern exam"

"Yeah I heard that too" Meredith replied "Is he ok?"

"I guess" Alex shrugged "he has decided to repeat here. He's all mopey and sad, not sure what it's all about"

"Anyway we should get back, we just wanted to come and say hi" Izzie quickly interjects and pushes Alex up off the bench. "Come on we need to get back before Callie goes all postal on us"

"Yeah, she is in a foul mood these days too, no idea what that's about either" Alex adds

"Go, let's go Alex" Izzy starts to frantically push him towards the door.

Meredith stands there staring after her strange friends and there strange behaviour. She reopens her locker and throws her clothes in. Just as she is about to leave the locker room Izzy pokes her head back in.

'Drinks at Joe's after your shift?" she queries

"Umm" Meredith hesistates

"Drag him along, surely you caught up enough last night, oh and let Cris know too"

"Umm, Ok, maybe" she replies, but Izzie is already gone, running down the hall to catch up with Alex.

Well at least everyone else seems to think Derek and I are still together she smiles to herself.


	17. OR Board

Wow. Meredith thought. That is either way bad PMS or something else is going on. Meredith had just been well and truly 'Callied'. First the lecture on nearly (nearly??) being late. Then the snide remarks about her intern exam and being allowed to resit it and others not having the same privileges. Which given that her husband was currently repeating his internship, she could kind of understand. Then the murmured vitriol about affairs and married men and no morals. That part had taken Meredith completely by surprise, she really thought she'd moved past the whole dirty mistress tag thing. A brief thought of "maybe it's not about me" flashed through her brain. This thought quickly disappeared as she neared her target.

The OR board.

"Your staring again" Cristina commented minutes later

"Hmmmm" Meredith replied

"Ok, seriously, I know he can be cheesy , but he isn't going to leave a sign on the OR board" Cris rolled her eyes.

Meredith turned to her friend, a feint smile tugging at the corner of her mouth "I know"

"Fascinating as an OR board can be, given it doesn't have our name on it, what's with the staring" Cris asked

Meredith gestured at a row on the board "He's there"

"Ohhh 'biggis-wordis brainic-operationis," Cristina said "Impressive, he'll be in there for ages"

"Yeah and he started at 7am" Meredith indicated

"Wow, she reads" was the retort

Meredith frowned at her friend "I mean, he had a huge surgery booked, it started early, so you know, it makes sense why he didn't show up"

"Impressive, the positive thinking has lasted nearly 12 hours" Cris replied rolling her eyes and walking away from her friend in search of people that needed cutting and fixing instead of talking an mooching.

Meredith turned back to the board. She was trying with the positive frame of mind, really she was. She was glad she knew where he was, and that that place was in Seattle and not back in New York. All her friends seemed to think they were still together. Bailey had made an off hand comment about hopefully now Shepherd would stop moping about the corridors. So that meant Bailey didn't think they were broke up, but Derek was sad, sad because he thought they were broke up? Or sad cause he missed her? Arrgghhhh she was going to go made thinking around and around in circles like this.

She turned on her heel and set off in the same direction as Cristina with the same goal in mind. She needed a surgery to take her mind off things.

gagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagag

Meredith stood before the elevator waiting impatiently. One hour into her shift and the closest she had come to dealing with a patient was handing one a tissue. So much for being a resident.

The ding of the lift sounded it's arrival. She stood aside while the occupants exited. Well, nearly all of its occupants.

Her heart quickened and a smile spread across her face as she saw Derek. Slouched against the back corner of the lift head bent over his blackberry.

"Derek, Hi" she breathed

Derek glanced up and briefly flicked his eyes over Meredith "Dr Grey" he replied, returning to his task at hand.

Meredith let out a soft "Oh" and entered the lift, moving to stand across from Derek "I'm back" she offered shakily her resolve to remain positive beginning to wane.

"I can see" her replied without even looking up.

Meredith turned to face the front of the lift her eyes wide and her expression slightly stunned. She looked back at Derek, his posture and demeanour barely registering her existence. "I thought you were in a 'biggis-wordis brainic' operation?" she asked.

"I was" he replied shortly

"Oh" Meredith breathed again, trying to steel herself not to cry. Positive Meredith, stay positive, she chanted internally "well that was quick," she added trying to keep it light.

Derek snapped his blackberry shut and stood up "the patient died half way through" he offered to a spot on the wall above her right shoulder.

"Oh, I'm sorry Derek" Meredith replied reaching out to place a hand on his arm.

Derek snatched his arm away, leaning down to pick up his briefcase in the same motion. "We're surgeons Dr Grey, it's part of the territory" he offered coldly.

Once again Meredith turned to face the front of the lift, trying to hold her sinking emotions together "so you're off home?" she asked

He shrugged a yes

"Well I don't finish til 10pm" Meredith offered hopefully

Derek silently continued to stare at a spot on the wall. Meredith turned slightly to check, but it was still the same birth control poster that had been there forever.

The rest of the trip was ridden in a cold uncomfortable silence. As the elevator dinged to announce Meredith's floor, she turned once more to look at Derek. His jaw was set and he stared off into nothing. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but the tears she had been holding back were trickling down the back of her throat.

She walked off the elevator her heart sinking with each step, as she passed through the doorway she spun on her heel and locked eyes with Derek.

Meredith cleared her throat, clutching the files in her hand protectively against her chest. "Ok, so, I guess, umm, you know, the, umm, the postcards, umm, not a good, ahh response.. I mean.." she rambled as the elevator doors clanged shut on Derek's still cold and impassive stare.

AN – Well you all wanted Derek – you got him!! Only one more chapter to go & I promise to try & get it up tomorrow night.


	18. Over

Meredith sat in her car and drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. She sighed, she was tired, not exhausted, two weeks of relaxation and a relatively easy 10 hour shift, meant just tired. Normal tired. Not intern exhausted

Where to now was the question? Not figuratively. Literally.

Did she chase Derek down to his trailer demanding they talk? But that would probably lead to the finalisation of the fact that they were over, and she wasn't ready to face that yet.

Or head to Joe's and join her friends, drowning her sorrows in Tequila? But that would be a regression back to fixing things with alcohol. That had never gone really well for her. And it would mean admitting to everyone that her and Derek were broken, most likely irreparable, and she wasn't ready to face that yet.

So that left home, which some may call avoiding, but she could always try and pass it off as mature. Getting a good nights sleep in before her next 12 hour shift.

She put the car into gear and turned the wheel homewards.

gagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagaga

As the hot water sluiced over her face and down her hair Meredith let her mind wander over the decidedly non-McDreamyness of the day. Despite dull ache in her heart she had managed to push dwelling on her and Derek's state to the back of her mind for most of the day. Part of the resolve she had determined on holiday was to be the best surgeon she could be this year and to try and make sure her dramatic personal life didn't put that at risk as it almost had at the end of her internship. She sighed as she reached for the shampoo and began to lather her hair.

She stepped from the shower fifteen minutes later, felling refreshed and relaxed physically, thought still a little emotionally bruised. She wrapped a towell around her head and dried off, rubbing moisturiser into her lightly tanned limbs. She pulled on a pair of black yoga pants and one of Derek's t-shirts he had left lying beside the bed. Sad really, she thought, but she would allow herself at least one last night of wallowing in his scent before she had to determine whether it was time to pack up his belongings and return them.

She entered her bedroom from the en-suite towel drying her hair as she went.

"Crap" she said clutching the towel to her chest "you scared me" she said to the man leaning in her doorway.

He smiled. "The racoons got really bad" he said

"Racoons" she squeaked, she couldn't determine whether the speed of her beating heart was from the scare, or the fact that we was leaning in the frame of her bedroom door, and smiling not glaring at her.

"Racoons" he replied, "and the boiler finally gave up the ghost completely"

"Boiler?" she asked the lift her heart had taken at the sight of him here, started to fall a little, was he having a go at her? Was this his repeat of her 'I'm getting on the elevator' attempt at communication?

"Yeah the repair guy said I'd need a replacement and it would take a while"

"Oh" she breathed. Seriously? she thought, is he asking to stay here? After that reaction this morning? Was he going the whole Meredith Grey approach to relationships and just ignoring the parts he didn't like?

They stood there for a few minutes staring at each other, him smiling, her frowning, eyes locked. Meredith waged an internal battle, did she just smile back and cave in and they go back to, whatever it was they were and ignore the murky waters they had recently tread? Opting to push a bit further before she made those decisions she asked "Racoons, Boilers?"

As if snapping out of a spell she had cast he replied "Yeah, so I've been staying at the Archerfield"

"Oh?"

Derek returned to the staring and smiling, a slight smug look crossing his face.

Meredith wracked her brain. Had she missed a conversation they'd had today? He seemed to be on a different page to her, racoon's, boiler's, hotels "OH!" she exclaimed

"Hmmmn" he smugly replied

"Oh so you haven't.."

"..been to the trailer? No not in the last two weeks" he finished for her.

"Oh" she offered again, her brain racing around with this information

"Well until today, I realised I should, you know, go make sure everything was ok, check my mail, sort of stuff"

Meredith's face turned red and she buried her face in her hands, she looked up from between her fingers to see him still smiling at her "Oh My God, you read them all at once?" she squeaked

"Hmmmn" he smiled "I did"

"You read them and you're here" Meredith asked, hope entering her voice as she removed her hands from her face

"I'm here" Derek agreed, "and I think you may have been looking for these" with this statement he pulled a roll of documents from under his arm that was leaning against the doorjamb. He took a few steps into the room and offered it to Meredith.

She looked at him quizically, and then back down again at the roll in her hands, noticing for the first time the wide bright yellow ribbon tied in a bow holding the papers together. A smile reached the corners of her eyes as she looked back at him, beaming at her "a sign?" she asked tentatively.

"Signs" he shrugged, smiling. He took her other hand and tugged her over to the bed and pulled her to sit with him, a small expanse of bedspread between them. "Open it" he prompted.

Meredith smiled softly and laid the roll on the bed between them, she let out a soft giggle as she opened the bow with a flourish. The papers sprang out from their confines, the contents bringing a small look of confusion to her face. She looked up at Derek quizzically.

He picked up the first few items in the pile, three glossy holiday brochures "for future planning, you know for that beach holiday you suggested we take together? his eyebrows wiggled a little "you mentioned something about Jacuzzi's and four poster beds".

Meredith lets out another soft giggle as Derek hands her the brochures, he then continues with a wry "mind you as you just used two weeks of your scarce annual leave running off with another woman, it might have to wait a while". Meredith looks at him slightly guiltily, but before she can answer, he shushes her and picks up the next thing, a small cardboard envelope, he hands it to her.

Meredith slides the paper tickets out of the envelope "New York?" she asks

"Yeah, we'll drive from there to my Mum's place" he replies

"Mum? As in Mother, as in yours?" she gasps

"Relax Meredith, the booking is for March, it's Mum's Birthday then, and I figure it gives you six months to get used to the idea, and if you don't, well, I made sure that the tickets are transferable" he offers with another McDreamy smile.

"Ok" she offers smiling back "ok, I can do that"

Derek beams at her as he hands the last sheaf of papers. They appear to be print out's from his computer, Meredith turns them to read the pages, another smile creeps across her face as she reads the page "apartment listings" she says.

"Yeah, two bedroom apartments, within a 5 mile radius of the hospital" Derek offers.

Meredith's head flies up from perusing the pages "two bedrooms?" she asks.

"Yeah, two bedrooms" he replies "I'd rather that I still got to sleep beside you on the nights Yang decides to crash over"

"Ok" she beams at him.

Once again silence falls on the room as they sit eyes locked on each other. For the first time today, and maybe in a while, the emotions that shine from their eyes are in synch.

"I love you" Meredith offers, directly too him, in what seems like forever.

Derek closes the space between them, his hands grasps the sides of her chin as he gently caresses her face as he lowers his lips to hers. After a kiss full of love, passion and promise, they pull slightly apart and smile into each other's eyes. Derek's fingers continue to stroke the soft skin of her face. His forehead rests on hers. "I love you too" he replies.

Meredith's smile widens and her hands move to the curls at the back of his neck, she gently tugs his mouth back to her and resumes their kiss.

Derek pulls back from the kiss and drops his hands to her shoulders, his fingers gently caressing small circles through the t-shirt.

"So we're not over?" he asks.

"No" she replies with a small shake of her head "I'm in this"

"Me too" Derek offers "I am so in this, I have been for ages, I just needed something from you to show you were too, the postcards were great.."

"Even the first ones?" Meredith interjects an amused look on her face.

Derek mock grimaces "Even the first ones, at least you were telling me how you felt, and what you had to say, well most of that I deserved" Derek moves a finger to Meredith's lips as she starts to interject "and I just want to say Sorry"

"Me too" she adds kissing the finger on her lips. Derek caresses her soft plump lips with his finger.

Derek sighs a little and says "So we have some stuff to work through, but we love each other, we're both in, we both want it.. but yeah there is more talking and working stuff out to do"

"I know, but not all now, can we talk as we go, as we work this out" Meredith gestures between them.

"Yeah, that sounds good" Derek replies "But I got something else for you" he hands her a small package from his jeans pocket. Meredith's laughter fills the room as she opens it to find a hello kitty pen and a pile of space needle postcards "Just in case you forget how to talk to me, you can always write me a postcard, maybe hand deliver it though" he suggests.

"Ok, but I might stick to talking" Meredith laughed, "the suspense of waiting for a reply can be a killer"

Derek returns her smile, then a serious look passes his face "The thing is though, it's not just you, I know I hide, I become absent" Meredith offers him a wry shrug in agreement at this, he fishes into his front jean pocket and pulls out a keyring "So here, these are the keys to the trailer, you keep them, if I'm tempted to run and hide, I have to come and ask for them".

Meredith laughs again as she takes the keys "Ok".

They lean in for another long passionate kiss. Once again Derek is the first to pull away. Meredith looks at him quizzically.

Derek sighs "So, slow?" he asks.

"Slow?"

"Yeah, slow like last time, no sex, take it slow" he reminds her

"No"

"No?"

"No, just sex didn't work, no sex didn't work…. how about we just do what feels right?" Meredith smiles at him.

"Ok" Derek nods, beaming, "I like the sound of that"

They lean in to kiss again, passion burning in their eyes. Derek pauses and raises his eyebrows at Meredith. "Want to show me your tan lines?" he asks, as his fingers tug at the hem of her t-shirt.

THE END

**AN – Firstly THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the reviews.. I never expected this response. I'm happy cause even though some (well most) of the writing is rough, it's the first time I've followed through a story plan from the start to the end. **

**There was more to this chapter, but it was already so long.. so I have started a small sequel to this that should be up in the next few days.**

**Hope you enjoyed**.


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